


Finding Family

by batyalewbel



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Family, Friendship, Gen, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-17
Updated: 2016-02-13
Packaged: 2018-05-14 11:09:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5741500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/batyalewbel/pseuds/batyalewbel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's not about the family they had, but about the one they found and made</p><p>(On Hiatus)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Teach Me How to Say Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> So I'm total trash for all these cuties. I may not ship people directly (though I'll read Finn/Poe so much) but I love these characters and their dynamics and I get all melty over friendship so here we go.  
> Also didn't edit this at all just posted it because I'm trash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alone
> 
> Sometimes Rey thinks it was the first word she ever learned. Or maybe she didn't learn it so much as it became a part of her.
> 
> Alone was her entire existence. Every breath, every passing moment. From the time she watched that ship shoot up into the sky, she had always been alone.

_Alone_

Sometimes Rey thinks it was the first word she ever learned. Or maybe she didn't learn it so much as it became a part of her.

Alone was her entire existence. Every breath, every passing moment. From the time she watched that ship shoot up into the sky, she had always been alone.

But she adapted. Like anybody in a tight spot she learned.  
The first time somebody broke into her makeshift home and stole her rations she cried for hours clutching the ragged doll she had made for herself.

But the next day she spent hours figuring out how to rig traps around her door.

The first time she had to climb up the walls in the bowels of a downed ship, her rope came undone and she broke her arm. For the next week she practiced knots over and over until she found one that would hold.

Then she climbed the walls with one arm in a sling.

She learned and made do because the other choice was to starve. Survival was the only thing left as she scratched notch after notch in the wall to mark the passage of time.

Her life was lonely and waiting.

Because one day they would come back for her. They had to come back to her.

Sometimes at night she would sit and make up stories about families. Some of the old ones in Jakku could tell a good story and Rey used to beg for any story they knew. At night Rey used to tell herself the good ones.

The ones where daughters find their fathers and mothers. The ones where parents find their lost child.

She always thought she knew exactly what she was waiting for.

But maybe she didn't.

She met Finn in a rush. First she thought he had stolen from this poor droids beloved master. Then they were being shot at. Pieces of the world she had known her whole life were blown to nothing in an _instant_.

And Finn kept taking her hand and they were flying a bloody piece of junk into space!

From there they met Han Solo. _The_ Han Solo. They flew the Millenium Falcon and escaped Rathtars.

And through it all Finn was _there._ More there than anybody had ever been since she could remember. He was asking if she was okay, he was in awe of her piloting skills, he was helping her fix the ship and he was with The Resistance.

Rey's stories never mentioned somebody like Finn but maybe they should have. Maybe there was something to this family idea that she'd been missing this whole time.

It wasn't until Finn said he wasn't the Resistance and ran away, when Maz Kanata told her to face facts about her family...they were never coming back.

It was then that she realized that maybe she had the threads of a new one in her grasp already. Finn, BB-8, Chewie and Han Solo.

Maybe that was the makings of a new family. Or maybe it was nothing at all...after all Finn had left her. And she ran away. _Alone_ again.

Alone was fine. Ray knew alone well and welcomed it like an old friend.

There was this Force to contend with but she would learn and manage it just like everything else. She escaped Kylo Ren and was doing just fine. She would get herself out of this jam just like every other one…

But then she saw them. Finn, Han, and Chewie. They had come back for her. _Finn_ had come back for _her._

And they lost Han. Lost him to Kylo Ren and the endless depths he fell too. Seeing the saber cut through Han felt like it was cutting through her as well.

She had just found her family and she was losing them one by one.

It nearly killed her to see Finn lying prone in the snow. She stared at his still body and sobbed like the helpless child she used to be. She'd just found her people and she didn't want to lose them.

Thank maker Chewie found them. Who knew such a large creature could cradle Finn so gently in his arms as he carried him back to the ship.

As they flew back to D'qar, Rey sat and watched Finn. She hoped they would make it in time. She hoped the doctors could save him. Her family had just gotten smaller.

Or maybe not.

She didn't really know General Leia and yet when she found the woman standing outside of the Millenium Falcon, she just _knew._ And then she melted into her embrace.

Rey had always thought alone was all she would ever be. Alone defined her. It made her stronger. But maybe things would be different now. Maybe she could be strong with other people too.

After the doctors had done what they could, they told Rey time would tell.

She met Poe Dameon as she sat by Finn's bedside.

The man had dark eyes and a kind smile. Rey asked how he knew Finn and Poe told him the story. The torture and the storm trooper who ripped off his helmet and bared the human soul underneath. He talked about how FN-2187 became Finn before they got separated. How they met again on D'qar after Rey had been taken and how determined Finn was to find her.

So maybe Finn had found his own family. Maybe they could share families. Poe with his kind smile and affection for BB-8 would have to be a part of it too.

Rey decided this for herself as she got her marching orders and a map to find Luke Skywalker. The man who could teach her about the force. The man and the legend.

And maybe more…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title comes from the musical Hamilton. This line shows up in One Last Time and The World was Wide Enough  
> (and yes that ending is hinting at Luke being her daddy because we're all thinking that right?)


	2. The World's a Beast of a Burden

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A voice told him to turn and go into a room so he did.
> 
> Then he removed his helmet and Poe's sense of unreality increased. He was just a kid under that helmet and he was asking in a rush if Poe could fly a Tie Fighter. And some distance piece of him answered without the rest really considering it.
> 
> “I can fly anything,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for some descriptions of torture

Poe had killed people before.

He fought in a _war_ so he knew what death looked like.

But it never got easier.

He should've run with BB-8. But the storm troopers were out in force and they were killing.

Once upon a time he had pulled the trigger not knowing if it was right to do so. He's been carrying those lost lives for years.

But this wasn't right. He joined the Resistance because he wanted to fight against _this._

And the Resistance never demanded that he shoot to kill. So he had to use his own judgement every time. He had to decide if it was worth the risk to let an enemy live.

Tonight...With those people penned up and guns aimed at them...it wasn't even a choice. And he might not have a chance in hell but at least he wouldn't have to carry these people too.

He could not walk away from this.

So he stepped out from where he was taking cover and he started firing.

And he took down a few troopers before they overwhelmed him and brought him before the infamous Kylo Ren. And what did he do in the face of this dark figure?

He mouthed off.

This had always been his reaction to difficult situations. Either that or silence and he would be damned if he let this man believe Poe was frightened of him...even if he really was.

He was dragged onto the ship and all the while he was remarking on his surroundings and the troopers. “Ooh look at all that black, has somebody been having a dark night of the soul?”

“Do you guys purposefully lower the lights because it helps with your whole menace thing? Or do you just take the Dark Side literally?”

Even when the physical torture started. And it started hard.

They had all been prepared in the Resistance for this. The common torture techniques were discussed with open door at the back of the room for anyone who wanted to leave after hearing them.

First they physically beat him. They didn't break his ribs but he was guessing they might have cracked one or two. He tasted blood and he couldn't tell if it was from his nose or his mouth bleeding...or both.

Then they pulled out the electrocution. Prodding him with a stick that crackled and gave off sparks.

He took all of this with as much silence as he could manage. And with as many insults as he could think of spat back in their faces.

It wasn't a good tactic but it was what he had to work with.

And then Kylo Ren came in and dismissed the other guys.

He loomed over Poe and Poe was tired, sure he wanted the pain to stop, but he figured death was his only option. He couldn't quite bring himself to be sad about that or feel anything about that...other than pain. He hurt quite a lot and it was overwhelming the rest.

Kylo Ren asked him some questions and he refused to answer...in retrospect he is fairly certain he insulted the man as well and ended with one of those “I'll never talk” sort of phrases.

Nobody was ever lucky after delivering an ultimatum like that but he had always been especially unlucky.

Kylo Ren just pushed a hand out in front of Poe…

and proceeded to _rip his fucking mind apart._

It felt like somebody reached in and started shredding everything that made up Poe. And he felt the words that were being dredged up to the surface. The information the man wanted. The whereabouts of the map leading to Luke Skywalker.

He fought it for as long as he could. Forced the words back. Tried to retain his sense of self when his entire being was being forced down to a single instinct.

He screamed agony trying to hold it back. Distantly he felt his hands clenching so tight, nails bit deep into his skin. He felt the sweat running down his back and the blood in his mouth where he bit down hard on his own tongue.

And eventually he gave the words up. They escaped him in a whimper. Once he had what he wanted, the man swirled out of the room in a rush of black leaving Poe silent and broken. It took him an hour to notice the tears running down his cheeks as his world slowly began to reassemble into something new and terrifying.

He hadn't died and Kylo Ren might want more information.

In that moment Poe fervently wished he had died this day. The fear of another like it was more than he could bear.

It was several hours after...Poe wasn't really sure but it felt like hours…

That was when the storm trooper came in. Poe had to come with him and for once Poe obeyed without a word. He wasn't really concerned with what would happen next.

A voice told him to turn and go into a room so he did.

It was practically a closet and the storm trooper followed him in.

Then he removed his helmet and Poe's sense of unreality increased. He was just a kid under that helmet and he was asking in a rush if Poe could fly a Tie Fighter. And some distance piece of him answered without the rest really considering it.

“I can fly anything,” he said breathlessly and the kid was excited...excited and desperate. He wanted to get far away from the First Order and he could get to a Tie Fighter.

“You need a pilot...” Poe said slowly as seemingly simple things dawned on him.

“I need a pilot,” the kid fervently agreed.

And they were about to be on their way without a second thought when Poe hesitated. He knew where he needed to go and this kid was coming with him…

“Why are you helping me?” Poe asked and he watched the kid hesitate, stumbling onto the right words.

“Because its the right thing to do,” and damn it all if that wasn't the right answer.

As they walked through the hangar and Poe listened to the kid whispering 'keep calm' to himself, Poe wondered at his own calm. He was calm. He wasn't sure why in the face of everything he had just been through but he was getting out, he was going to be behind the control column of a ship, his favorite place to be. Poe was getting out. He was going to get out or die trying and the certainty of that calmed him even as the kid beside him jumped at every little sound.

It reminded him of Poe when he was younger.

And then he was flying the Tie Fighter. His body felt broken but nothing could tamp down the joy he felt for flying. Part of him thought he would never get to again and so he whooped with glee in the face of the First Order and taught the kid how to fire the laser canons.

He was pretty good.

“Hey what's your name?” Poe asked in the middle of the chaos, because the chaos never really stopped and he wanted to know.

“FN-2187.”

“What kind of a name is that?” Poe asked, incredulous.

“It's the only name they ever gave me,” he said and Poe's heart broke a little for this lively kid who had gone through life as a number.

He thought about it for a moment as he steered them past another canon and the kid hit it straight on.

“Finn...would it be alright if I called you Finn?”

He could practically feel the kid glowing as he accepted the name. A real name. It was silly but it felt like the least he could do to give something back to this kid who had swept in and saved his ass.

Then the ship crash landed on Jakku and Finn was gone.

But not dead, he hoped, even as his felt Finn's sudden absence keenly. There was no body and the rest of the wreck was gone too. They must have landed somewhere else.

For the first time in awhile he had total silence and was totally alone. It allowed him to dwell on things he would rather not think about.

There would be time to deal with it later...there was always time to heal when the fight was done but it wasn't done yet. He wasn't done yet.

He prayed he would see Finn again as he hitchhiked, bargained and stowed his way back to D'qar.

He wasn't 'fine' by any means. But he got his physical needs seen to by the medics and then he got back behind the control column of a ship.

General Organa had been hesitant after his debriefing to let him back into the field. He looked her steadily in the eye and said

“If I can't beat them than it was for nothing, I can't have that right now,” and the general nodded slowly allowing him to throw himself blindly into the unknown for his cause. The world was painted a little differently now. It all seemed slightly darker.

But everything was easier to manage when he was flying.

****

He was sent as backup to Takodana where they had a good fight and he piloted the hell out of his X-Wing.

That was something, he thought once he was off his ship and talking to a fellow pilot. That's when he heard the familiar tones and turned to see his favorite little droid barreling over.

 _BB-8,_ his first friend had found it's way back to Poe, and Poe embraced the little thing and asked how had it managed. BB-8 was telling him in binary about 'the Rey' and 'the other one' when he looked up and saw him.

There was Finn.

Looking as alive as ever and wearing his jacket. His heart leapt as he sprang to his feet and embraced the kid. He'd barely known Finn but it felt like embracing an old friend. This was the kid who had saved his life, which admittedly was a big bias for Poe to like him but it was more than that.

Poe could still feel the echoes of what had happened to him. Even now as he grinned and gripped the kid by the arm, it sat at the edges of his consciousness like a dark fog waiting to consume him.

And when it had, when he had been drowning in it...this kid had reached in and pulled him out. He couldn't explain it but he felt a little lump in his throat seeing that Finn had made it out ok.

He could have said thank but instead he grinned and observed the jacket. Finn startled and started to take it off to give it back and Poe held up a hand. He told Finn that it suited him and he was quietly grateful he could give Finn something else. A jacket and a name didn't feel like enough but it was a start.

Meanwhile, Finn was serious. He didn't quite seem like that kid from the Starkiller base anymore. There was a girl he needed to find and what could Poe do except help him find his friend?

So they would go their separate ways, but Finn was fighting for his cause as well...and maybe something more…Poe had never had more than the cause to fight for. It was him and his droid and his ship for years. He had forgotten what it was like to wish for more. But he marveled at Finn. Barely out in the world and already with this determination to find that girl Rey again.

With wishes of good luck he sent Finn on his way and prayed he would succeed.

And Finn did, but not in the way he had hoped, not in the way _Poe_ had hoped.

He was carried onto the base. His jacket was singed and bloody.

A girl with bright eyes and a hard mouth walked beside the wookie that carried him. She held one of his hands tightly as they walked off the ship but let it go as soon as she saw the General. Behind them everybody was celebrating a victory.

But Poe stood frozen watching the boy getting carried to the med bay. After a moment he would follow them, but not before glimpsing the girl embrace the woman with tears streaming down her cheeks.

At the med bay. The doctors told him to wait outside so he sat in a chair.

After a time, the girl came to sit beside him. She still had fresh tears making tracks down to her chin and Poe was so exhausted he felt empty. Empty the way he had felt when he was in pieces before. Before Finn had picked up those pieces and swept them to freedom.

He knew how long this would take and so he let his head rest against the wall and he slept. The girl beside him stared straight ahead. Unblinking and unwavering.

He slept through the door opening and the doctor telling Rey he could have visitors.

****

When Poe woke up to an open door he found the doctor and asked how Finn would recover.

The doctor told him and then he ran back to the open doorway.

He didn't quite know what to say to the girl who sat by Finn's bedside and held his hand.

So he sat down and stuck his own hand out to shake.

“Poe Dameron, you a friend of Finn's?”

She seemed uncertain as she slowly put her hand in his. He gave her hand a good firm shake which seemed to surprise her a little but after a moment she answered his question.

“Yes, Finn is my friend.” And Poe had to grin a little, he could already see why Finn had gone through hell to get this girl back.

“How do you know him?” she asked, her voice soft in the quiet room.

And so Poe told her. He told her of Finn's daring and his humanity and his new name. Rey was easy to talk to. She made the room a little brighter, a little warmer with nothing but her presence and her smile.

When she wrinkled her nose a little to hear Finn called FN-2187, It made Poe like her even more.

From there they talked about piloting and a mutual affection for BB-8. Poe saw plenty to admire, and he was already inclined to love the girl who shared his affections for that small droid and this amazing kid.

When Rey was called away on General Organa's orders she stood up to go reluctantly. Her eyes, staring down at the unconscious kid. She looked so lost, like she was adrift at sea.

“Will you…?” she didn't seem to know how to end that question but Poe smiled up at her as she stood over them both.

“I'll watch over him,” Poe said and the smile and the relief lit up her features. He _definitely_ understood why Finn had moved skies and suns to get this girl back.

So that was how Poe spent his victory over the First Order and over those who had taken him apart. He sat by his new friend and watched him heal. All the pieces of his friend, physical or otherwise were coming together into something new and Poe had done that once...he was still doing it but he couldn't wait to see what it looked like when Finn was made whole again and ready to rejoin the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh Poe...his was a hard one to nail down. Mostly because he is so bright and funny but every time I see a GIF from that torture scene my heart breaks into a million pieces..also oh hey he's fighting a war he's probably killed people. It's hard to reconcile all of that in my head but hopefully I achieved a balance.
> 
> Chapter title is from What the Water Gave me by Florence + the Machine


	3. What If This Storm Ends And I Don't See You?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything with the First Order had always been perfection. Less than perfection was never tolerated. His life was made up of straight lines and even curves and not a single inch out of place.  
> To be less than perfection meant being lesser. It meant ridicule at best. Death, at worst.

FN-2187 only remembers fragments of time before the First order. A smell, or a sound. A bright blue sky and somebody holding his hand.

That was all FN-2187 had of before.

And his present was so far removed from that, sometimes FN-2187 wondered if he had dreamed it.

The days that would never end because they weren't allowed to sleep until they could march in perfect time. The hours spent running miles in that heavy armor.

God he hated the armor.

If somebody fell down, they would be shot in the arm or the leg. And then they would have to get up and keep moving or else risk being shot a second time. The third shot was always through the skull. So even when the laser blast sawed through his shoulder he kept moving, because he knew what the second and third shots would be.

The first time he asked why, he was made to stand in front of the room, all his fellow FNs staring down at him through their visors.

Then he was made to remove all his armor so he could be physically beaten.

After that he stopped asking why.

He was told that storm troopers were not needed for their thoughts or opinions. Storm troopers followed orders without hesitation. Storm troopers lived and died for the First Order. And any trooper who was lacking would die that much sooner for the Order.

FN-2185 had been somebody FN-2187 liked to consider as a friend. He was mean most of the time and sometimes he would knock FN-2187 down for no reason and laugh.

But when they were sent out for their first mission to Jakku they were so excited. FN-2185 told him in an eager whisper that he planned to take down at least ten guys. FN-2187 had nodded through all the voices echoing in his head telling him to live and die for the First Order. Not to feel, not to think.

To shoot and kill.

But he shouldn't shake that nagging memory of a blue sky and someone holding his hand. The two didn't seem to exist in the same universe. It was all mixed up and feeling wrong.

But storm troopers don't feel.

And through all that noise he listened to his friend plan out his first battle on the field. They'd been through hundreds of millions of training exercises. FN-2185 was ready for some 'action.' as he put it.

The bay doors opened and they all marched out into the dry air and the dust that was Jakku.

It all happened very quickly. Shots fired and shots fired back and his friend got hit almost instantly, and FN-2187 was there by his side as his friend died. A bloody hand smeared over his visor.

Storm troopers lived and died for the First Order. That was what they were made for. So why was he shaking?

When they had to fire on a group of 'rebels' FN-2187 pulled the trigger just like everyone else did. And with each shot, the shaking got worse.

He stood frozen to the spot until long after the shooting had stopped. Until Kylo Ren stared him down and he jolted from his panicked haze. He raced back to the ship and needed air, he needed to breathe. He needed to _think._

Storm troopers don't think, he couldn't get caught with his thoughts exposed.

He ripped the helmet off and wished, just for a moment, that someone would talk to him. Not in the way he had been spoken to his whole life, but the way he imagined normal people talked to each other. Where they had names instead of designations and not every word was a command.

And of course Captain Phasma was there.

'FN-2187 who told you to remove your helmet! Report to bay 6 for your debriefing,'

_Why_

The word lingered dangerously on the tip of his tongue. It was not his job to ask why, but _why?_

FN-2187 went through the debrief and heard about the pilot they arrested and brought onboard. The monotony of a medical check up. The only time he was ever touched was by the med tech with dead eyes.

Through it all he felt the beginnings of an idea stirring. If it failed he would be decommissioned for sure. But FN-2185 wasn't here anymore...there was nothing here for him anymore.

Finally when the debrief and checkup were done he waited, standing at attention in the hallways near where they were keeping the prisoner. He listened to the screams and tried not to twitch everytime they started up again.

When silence finally stayed he was worried they had killed him but still FN-2187 waited.

He waited until he was absolutely sure and then he walked into the empty room to find a man in a brown leather jacket drooping forward in the chair he was tied to. All Finn could see was copper skin gone ashen and a mess of sweaty dark curls.  
  
But there wasn't any time. They would have to act quickly before people noticed FN-2187 had abandoned his post. So he pretended there was a reason he was marching the prisoner from his cell until he could push him into a nearby storage room.

It wasn't until the door shut behind them that the man blinked and really looked at him.

“What is this?”

“Can you fly a tie fighter?” FN-2187 asked. Because, while he understood what this man had experienced, he had a goal in mind.

And at his words the man came alive a little bit.

“I can fly anything,” he said with a ghost of a confident smile.

And FN-2187's heart leapt as the man tried to clarify if FN-2187 was actually helping him escape. It was hard to say, liberating him was FN-2187's ticket to freedom, but did that count as helping?

The man seemed to think so as his grin widened and his dark eyes sparkled.  
  
“You need a pilot?” he asked

“I need a pilot,” FN-2187 said fervantly.

Before they left the room, the man stopped him and asked him 'why?'

For a moment FN-2187 froze and remembered being beaten until he wished he was dead.

Then he answered with the truth that had been haunting him his whole life,

“Because it's the right thing to do.”

And that was enough for the man gripping his arms with an energy that was practically alien to FN-2187...but it was catching.

Nobody noticed them as they climbed into the ship. They were totally hidden...right up until the man started the ship and then there was nothing but panic. In spite of the shooting and the frenzy the man was as good as his word about his piloting skills. He got the ship out and then showed FN-2187 how to use the laser canons so they might actually make it away from the base.

Somewhere during the mess, the man introduced himself as 'Poe Dameron,' and asked for _his_ name

When he responded with his designation, Poe hesitated.

“How about Finn, can I call you Finn?” And they were busy being shot at and firing back and trying not to get blown up but Finn could not contain himself.

A name.

A real name.

His name was Finn.

This man had given him a name when nobody in his life had ever given him _anything,_ and they were whooping and yelling even as Poe told Finn his plan to go back to Jakku.

Finn thought that was a horrible plan but how could he say no? It wasn't like he was the one controlling the ship and Poe sounded so sure.

And then the ship crashed and Poe was gone.

In the briefest of moments Poe had given him more than anyone in his life ever had. He felt the pilot's absence deeply as he kept his jacket and tramped out into the desert.  
****

Everything with the First Order had always been perfection. Less than perfection was never tolerated. His life was made up of straight lines and even curves and not a single inch out of place.

To be less than perfection meant being lesser. It meant ridicule at best. Death, at worst.

Finn didn't really know what life was like outside but he imagined somekind of glorious disorganized mess where people looked, walked, and talked however they wanted.

He dreamed of messes.

Chaos was his fantasy.

But the real world and it's messes were so much more than Finn could have known or bargained for. He felt in over his head almost immediately.

When he met Rey, she reminded him of nothing so much as pure chaos. An unadulterated mess. 

She left him breathless.

First because she so clearly didn't need his help and then because she was chasing him.

She was amazing and terrifying and Finn didn't think. He simply latched on tight as the world burst in flames and plumes of sand around them.

And she never stopped being amazing or terrifying. She flew a piece of junk in ways he did not know you could and afterwards grinned and exclaimed she had no idea how she had done it.

And yes he lied about being with the Resistance.

Of course he lied.

In the face of her being so _here_ and present...when it felt like instinct to smile and hold her hand, even as a voice in his mind was telling him he was wrong, wrong, wrong.

He knew what a storm trooper was to the outside world. He had been taught from infancy about how he was meant to strike fear into the hearts of those who were unworthy of the First Order. Storm troopers were feared and despised.

How could he look this girl in the eye and tell her that’s what he was? An instrument of fear and death for the First Order. She would never look at him the same way again. She would never be so _with him_ again.

And then there was Han Solo who somehow knew how full of shit he was instantly and Finn was barely beginning to feel comfortable in his skin with these people. People who looked at him and actually listened when he spoke. He wasn't used to being really seen, but it was invigorating as anything.

But they were going up against the First Order and his fear of them was enough to overpower anything else. He was a traitor now and he knew what they did to traitors. His death would be slow and full of pain. And of course Han, Chewie, and BB-8 would be killed as well. Rey...beautiful Rey would be removed from the world and he didn't want to imagine a world without her.

But Rey was stronger than he was. She didn't fear death like she did. She was going to meet the Resistance with Han and his only comfort was that he wouldn't be there to see her die.

****

As soon as he heard the laser blasters firing he knew. He just _knew._

He asked the freighter to wait but who was he kidding? If he wanted to go he wouldn't be running towards the sound of laser fire.

And then there were the storm troopers. It took him a moment to recognize FN-2183 calling him a traitor. He had gotten so accustomed to seeing real faces it took a second for him to recognize a masked one from his old unit. The scratch marks on the right shoulder were always the giveaway that it was FN-2183.

And he was screaming at Finn, calling him a traitor.

But Finn was different now. He had a name and even if he struggled for a moment, it came down to survival. Finn wanted to survive this fight and so he ignited the weapon he had been given. The glowing blue shaft blasted through FN-2183's chest.

Finn supposed he was definitely a traitor now. He was killing his own people.

But then he saw Raw being carried onto the ship by Kylo Ren and everything else fell away as he raced down the path.

He was too late as the door shut and the ship took off, the ships engine's drowning out Finn's helpless cry for his friend.

She was taken by the First Order. She was as good as dead.

If he wanted to survive he would have to accept that like he had accepted so much else.

But for some reason, this time he couldn't. It wasn't like Poe, he had no control over that situation. There was nothing he could do but she was still alive. F _or the moment,_ Rey was still alive and he would fight like hell to keep it that way.

******

After the fight he felt a little lost. He knew what he needed to do but he had no idea how to go about it.

His thoughts were interrupted when BB-8 came barreling by him so fast, it tripped his leg, causing him to crane around and see what had the BB unit so excited.

He caught a glimpse of copper, dark hair, and a pilot's orange jumpsuit.

Poe Dameron leapt to his feet at the sight of his droid and embraced the little thing.

Like a lost light on a dark night, it was such a joy to see him again. Finn had assumed he never would but he was _so happy_ to be wrong.

BB-8 was talking to Poe when Poe looked up and saw him. He froze for a moment, uncertain. Maybe he had done wrong? Maybe he should have looked harder for Poe in the desert.

He watched the pilot stand up, his eyes coming alight. He raced towards Finn with a smile ready to ignite and embraced the former storm trooper with ready arms.

And he called Finn 'buddy.'

For a moment it was all Finn could do to soak this up. Poe was alive. He had another friend living in the world and they were hugging. Poe excitedly explained his survival on Jakku and observed Finn wearing his jacket.

He let Finn keep the jacket, he said it looked better on him.

Finn wondered how many people walked around with this much kindness inside them. He thought it must be a rare thing.

But with one friend back, another was still gone and he needed to get her back.

And Poe understood immediately...of course he did.

******

So he had lied a little to get his plan in action but it was working out far better than he could have ever dreamed.

_Rey was alive._

The four of them cornered Captain Phasma and got her to lower the shields. Then they had to help the effort to destroy the Starkiller base.

Finn couldn't quite pinpoint when his goals had broadened. They started so small. Escape the First Order, Find Rey.

But Poe was flying one of the fighters on this mission to blow up the base. He knew how dangerous it was.

He had met General Organa and she'd listened to him with soft eyes as he told her everything he could. Han was part of the Resistance too, and Chewie.

Without realizing it, his list of friends was growing and all he wanted was for them to be safe.

And nobody was safe with the First Order.

That was all he could think as he watched Han tried to reason with Kylo Ren.

He called him Ben.

He said he was his son.

Then his son Ben stabbed him. The red of the lightsaber showing ugly and bright. It reminded Finn of blood as Han fell down the chasm and was gone.

He couldn't be sad. Those who fought the First Order always perished.

But this ache in his chest was a new one and Rey clutched his arm as tears streamed down her cheeks.

But there was no time, they had to run. Chewie had set off the charges and the ground was shaking underfoot.

They fled from the fire and the gaze of Kylo Ren into the cold and the snow.

But the man caught up with them soon enough.

The sight of him was enough to start a chant of _Run, run, run_ in his head as he and Rey tried to escape. Or he tried to escape. Rey was the fighting kind and then he slammed her against a tree.

Finn raced to her side with his heart in his throat.

The sight of her hitting the ground limp was enough to drown out the running chorus.

He picked up the lightsaber.

The chorus in his head was still telling him to run. FN-2187, and Finn wanted nothing more than to run away. But he told all the voices to be quiet as he ignited the saber and planted his feet in the snow.

Finn could do more than run away.

He would not lose anymore friends today.

He had watched his friends fight harder than any storm trooper for what they loved.

Finn was still learning about the universe with all of it's mess and chaos and kindness. He was learning that he wanted it to continue on, no matter what.

He gripped the lightsaber with both hands.

Finn was ready to _fight._

If only fate was as ready for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I almost didn't include that last line...poor Finn.  
> And apparently I'm not done because I'm thinking of writing a Leia chapter and post movie things from Poe's perspective and maybe some more Rey and I don't know...  
> post movie I expect more dialogue to happen 'cause...we already know what they said in the movie...
> 
> Chapter title comes from The Lightning Strike by Snow Patrol


	4. All My Days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leia had known instantly that Han was gone.  
> There wasn't time to grieve her husband who was now as lost to her as her son. There was a mission being carried out and peoples lives were depending on her ability to stay focused.  
> So she took her grief for Han, all the agony she felt, and she locked it away in a little part of her heart.  
> She had gotten very good at this over the years.

Leia had known instantly that Han was gone.

There wasn't time to grieve her husband who was now as lost to her as her son. There was a mission being carried out and peoples lives were depending on her ability to stay focused.

So she took her grief for Han, all the agony she felt, and she locked it away in a little part of her heart.

She had gotten very good at this over the years.

When she thought Han was being executed and she was chained to his killer, there was no time to be scared or sad. When her planet had been destroyed and she fled for her life with strangers there was no time to mourn those she called parents. Those who had been her family.

Luke and Han became her new family...and her old one in ways she would later learn.

But right now there were lives riding on her very practiced ability of pushing everything away to focus on the present. To focus on action.

And she did that as well as anybody could have expected. Hours later some sad eyed youngster would come to her door with the news she already knew and she would simply nod to hear it spoken aloud.

Her grief was private.

Han had been the only one who ever really shared it with her. For one reason or another Luke had never really been there for it. Running away to the Degobah system or to fight Darth Vadar or to flee his terrible legacy. Luke had left her alone too many times to count and she had long since accepted that running was a part of him like staying was a part of her.

But that didn't stop her from using all her powers to track him down and bring him home.

That didn't stop her from wishing he could be there with her now, as somebody who loved Han like a brother. As somebody who could share her sadness.

And she wasn't wrong about the sad eyed youngster, some little slip of a thing half hidden behind a clipboard, her mouth, nothing but a bleak line. But everyone around her felt like a young one these days. She was one of the few relics left from the last war. And war was a game for the young ones. This was their war and she just stayed at the back and led them as best she could.

She remembered the days of racing through dark hallways with no protection aside from a droid and a blaster. But she had grown up and had to leave that behind for the next generation.

*****

Nothing surprised her more than meeting the next generation face to face.

When the boy Finn was carried out of the Millenium Falcon, Leia watched him go. A boy with a sweet face, reduced to a limp and bloody mess.

Casualties were all too common in war and she hoped he would be one of the survivors instead.

Then her eyes trained on the girl who walked out beside him. The girl froze in Leia's sight and the two stared at each other.

This was the Rey that the boy had been so determined to save?

Did she know who her father was?

She could see so much of Luke in this girl. She had thought that little girl had died that day.

The day when her son rose up in his new shell and burnt everything to the ground, but here she stood.

It was Rey who finally ran forward into Leia's embrace and Leia rested a worn hand on her back as the girl sobbed into her shoulder.

*****

Leia couldn't help but smile at these young things sometimes.

They thought they were all so new, with their troubles that nobody else could have experienced.

She stood quietly in the doorway to the boy's room in the med bay.

She watched Poe clutching his hand and telling the boy stories of his childhood.

She watched Rey sit silently beside him, she would barely move except her hand. Where her hand held his she sometimes ran her thumb over the back of his hand.

She watched the pair meeting each other with uncertainty and bluster.

She talked with each of them seperately and Poe would try to change the subject, wave it away like it was silly. Only the tightness of his jaw or the reddening of his cheeks would betray him.

Rey would simply shake her head and say tell Leia she couldn't _possibly_ understand.

These youngsters thought they were so new...so different...so beyond comprehension.

But Leia still smiled to watch them figure it out on their own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just really wanted to do something for Leia because she really got a raw deal with this movie. And also because I can just imagine the trio being like YOU DONT UNDERSTAND and she could just look at him and be like 'I kissed my brother one time before I knew we were related, my brother killed my dad who blew up my home world and my son killed my husband WHATS YOUR ISSUE"
> 
> The chapter title is the name of a lovely Alexi Murdoch song. I almost used The Universe is Going to Catch You by The Antlers but maybe next chapter ;)
> 
> I'm not done. I want to do more Poe angst and Finn healing and Rey being awkward with people.


	5. Did I Build This Ship to Wreck?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He didn't quite know when it started. But sometime between the adrenaline settling and his first nightmare, it started…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning, this chapter has description's of Poe's torture, nightmares and there's a scene with puking.

He didn't quite know when it started. But sometime between the adrenaline settling and his first nightmare, it started…

And it wasn't like he woke up one morning like this. But Rey was sent off to find Skywalker barely a day after the fight at Starkiller base.

...It was definitely after Rey left. Her steady presence beside the fading exhilaration of _winning_ had kept it at bay.

When she was still there with him by Finn's bedside he had been able to smile with confidence and say, “Finn will wake up,” and she had nodded in hopeful agreement.

But a month had gone by and he knew Finn was going to wake up because he _had to._ Because Poe's dreams were just that, dreams. He knew Finn was going to wake up but the more time passed the more he doubted it or feared when he woke up something would be unfixably wrong.

Spending all this time alone was a poor recipe starting him down a bad path. Poe was always better around people. He could put on a smile without it feeling like it was a mask and talk and drink with the best of them.

Now he was getting jumpier. Something would drop, a knock on a door frame, someone calling his name. It was starting to feel like his body was always on high alert and his heart didn't know how to beat any slower.

And then there were the nightmares. After the first week he was actively avoiding sleep because every time his eyelids slid shut of their own accord Kylo Ren was there. Rending his mind apart with a fire until there was nothing but quivering flesh. He would see Finn, limp and bloody, Rey getting cut down by Ren in a dark snowy place, General Organa being shot by stormtroopers, Han Solo being sliced by a lightsaber.

His dreams were loud with the sound of stormtrooper boots, laser gunfire, and screams.

His dreams were like another war he visited every time he closed his eyes.

Sometimes it felt like he was still dreaming about it when he was awake. A sound, a smell, and suddenly he was back on Kylo Ren's ship, strapped to the chair and wishing for his own death.

His only comfort was sitting with Finn and it was small comfort as they went. He hated the med bay. He hated the smell of bacta and the sterile air. It made him queasy but he needed reassurance that Finn was ok.

So he talked to his friend, held his hand, reminded himself that Finn was still alive and tried to ignore the rest. He reminded himself that the fire, blood, and death were mostly dreams.

The doctors patiently told him that Finn was stabilizing just fine every time he asked.

And that was mostly how his days went. Eating, not sleeping, seeing Finn. When medics kicked him out of medbay he worked on repairing his X-Wing. Replacing old wires, giving it a new paint job, polishing it within an inch of its metallic life. Every moment he worked, he tried _not_ to jump. Not to flinch when he noticed a figure in the corner of his eye. Just a passing pilot wearing a dark shirt.

General Organa had called him into her office about a week after Starkiller, she had a supply mission for him 'if he wanted it' she had said and Poe gaped at her.

He'd never been given the option of saying no. But the idea of being behind the controls of his X-Wing again weighed out all the rest and he said yes.

He was still thinking yes as he climbed up into his X-Wing in the hangar bay. He lost that yes somewhere around climbing into the cockpit and strapping himself in.

His fingers automatically reaching for control panels but suddenly his breath was gone. All sensation narrowed down to the straps holding him down.

His hand was shaking.

He couldn't breath.

With a jerk he tore himself out of the straps and half climbed, half jumped out of the cockpit landing roughly on the tarmac. It seemed like every eye in the room turned at that moment and every voice fell silent.

Poe, war hero and resistance pilot felt frozen in place with a target on his back. His muscles locked in panic. Suddenly there were hands on his arm helping to hoist him to his feet.

“Come on Poe, let's go talk to the General,” The voice of Jessika Pava whispered softly in his ear and he nodded blindly. His whole body was shaking and he was still trying to see something other than Kylo Ren's hand reaching for him.

The General had been kind, as always. She told him he could wait until he was ready and something in her tone made Poe wonder if she had been expecting this. Expected him to crack at the seams.

Through all this BB-8 followed him like an anxious puppy.

BB-8 was usually the one who would impatiently push him in the direction of his quarters until he relented. That day he did just that, like he did on so many days that followed. He would end up staring up at the ceiling in the dark and refusing to let his eyes slide shut.

They did anyway and the dreams were there and ready to greet him.

Poe used to think he was brave.

Used to think he was invincible.

And to be fair he had survived so much and come out with a joke and story to tell.

Now he woke up at some absurd hour, sweating and shaking, his throat raw with swallowed screams, for the third night in a row.

Poe used to think he was brave...

\----

“Poe are you alright?” Jessika asked softly in the mess hall. She's standing over him with her tray in hand but she wasn't sitting down. The orange of her jumpsuit hurt his eyes a little as he looked up at her and managed to muscle his lips into a smile of some sort before nodding.

“Yeah, I'm fine.” And her lips formed a thin line of lost patience as she set her tray down beside his.

“Yeah your fine and I've got a bantha for a cousin,” her tone adequately scorned his sentiments of 'fine-ness'

“Really, what's that like?” Poe asked conversationally and Jessika lightly swatted the back of his head.

“When's the last time you slept?” she asked, because Jessika has never been one to beat around the point. Poe let's his foot bounce nervously against the hard floor and looks away. There's no use faking it when Jessika can see through his shit.

“Will you at least finish your food?” she asked him and it sounded both demanding and plaintive. He took a few bites to humor her before trying on another smile and heading out.

Jessika followed him.

“Where are you going?” she asked and Poe felt a flash of irritation, those were getting all the more common for him these days. He put up a decent front but people knew. Other pilots telling him to just 'calm down,' and the ones who knew better, watching him through shadowed eyes. Now even normal conversations were colored by it. People were hesitant with him now.

Nobody wanted to upset the fragile pilot.

But the one night he got drunk and started talking, his fellows were telling him to not get so worked up. Somebody might have used the word hysterical.

Poe felt anger then too but he stowed it away and worked harder on pretending he was fine. It almost worked on everybody except Jessika.

“I'm going to see Finn.” Jessika nodded, her eyes going a little soft. The first time she had come to see him in the med bay she stood in the doorway silently for a few minutes. He hadn't even noticed she was there. He was just holding Finn's hand, his mind far away.

“He's definitely cute I will give you that,” she had said startling Poe from his thoughts.

Then she sat down beside him and proceeded to regale an unconscious Finn with embarrassing and lewd stories about Poe while Poe buried his face in his hands and begged her to stop.

“What if he hears you and remembers this?” he cried out between his fingers and Jessika paused in her story about Poe going commando in his flight suit on a dare to say,

“I hope he does, he needs to know what he's getting with you.”

That was then. When the nightmares were still new and nobody was surprised that he was a little jumpy in the immediate aftermath.

When had he gotten this bad?

Now Jessika followed him to the med bay and leaned in the doorway as Poe sat in his spot by Finn's bed, in the chair that he had mentally claimed as his. It was plastic and awful and if Finn ever woke up he was hoping to either keep the chair in his quarters or burn it. He wasn't sure which appealed to him more.

So he sat in his chair and Jessika leaned in the doorway. Neither of them spoke for a long time.

“Whatever this is Poe, it's getting worse.”

Poe sighed and leaned his head back as a wry chuckle slipped through his lips.

He was so tired, it had been ages since he had a real nights sleep and his exhaustion was reaching a point of unreality. Nothing felt real. At this rate his balance would start to suffer soon enough. And hallucinations may or may not have started ages ago. Poe couldn't tell but he didn't have words to reply to Jessica. He just looked at her and she nodded soberly.

\----

He finally dragged himself to his own bunk at some ungodly kriffing hour after working on his X-Wing until his eyes were blurring and his hands were shaking.

He was exhausted as he fell into his bed. The digital readout told him it was 4.

BB-8 was already powered down on it's charger, he told it to go hours ago and it had obeyed him with a beep that sounded like a whimper.

Now as he climbed into bed BB-8 lit up enough to greet him before going back into charge mode. For once he didn't fight it and let the sleep wash over him.

The pain came first. Like every nerve ending was being shredded and lit with flames. Like his entire body was trying to rip itself to pieces.

That black gloved hand reaching for him.

 _'Tell me'_ the voice implored him as the fire reached his brain. Shooting up the base of his skull. He could feel the pain in his eyes, squeezed tight in agony.

Images float the surface and he can't tell what's real or not but he sees his mother dead, his father shot, Han, General Organa, and Rey lay dead and bloody in snow or in dark metal corridors. People's he's never seen before, dead and burning. Bodies everywhere. He can taste blood.

_'Tell me'_

Poe gasped as he ripped his eyes open. His body tense and drenched in cold sweat. The digital readout by his bed told him it was 5:30.

He jerked to his feet and ran to the refresher. Heaving whatever was left in his stomach weakly into the toilet until it was all he could do to rest his head against the metal rim. Behind him he heard the worried tones of his droid and felt it's round metal surface nudging his back.

“I'm ok BB,” Poe told him, his voice sounding raw.

He let himself slide to the floor as his nausea faded. BB-8 loomed over him and nudged his side. It let off a quiet series of beeps and whistles and Poe nodded at it,

“I'm fine, it's all fine.”

BB's response was more shrill and irritated but Poe was tired. He stared at the room's white walls as he slid back into unconsciousness.

\----

The first thought that entered his mind was, did BB-8 carry him to his bed?

His sleep addled mind was trying to work that one out when a voice murmured,

“You're an idiot.”

His eyes opened to see Jessika sitting by his bed.

“What?” he asked and made a face. It was like speaking through sandpaper and Jessika sighed and held a glass of water out to him. She helped him drink a little, all the while fixing him with an ugly glare.

“What happened?” he finally was able to ask and Jessika looked almost beside herself.

“What happened was I got woken up at fuck all by a panicked droid who wasn't sure if his master was dead or not. When I found you on the floor I tried to call the medics but BB-8 wouldn't let me. Something about you hating the med bay, which is surprising considering how much time you spend there. So I cleaned you up and sat here hoping you would wake up so I could tell you you're a piece of shit Dameron.”

Poe stared at Jessika with wide eyes as he remembered the nightmares and blacking out on the floor after losing his dinner.

But Jessika wasn't done.

“Is this what fine looks like to you Dameron? Because to me it looks like somebody who's fucked up beyond reason and refusing help.”

Poe clenched his jaw and tried to push back the tears welling in his eyes.

“It's not usually this bad, I just had a bad night.”

Jessika opened her mouth to speak and then closed it.

“When you're up to getting out of this bed I'm dragging your ass to the General's office,” her voice was still hard as she got to her feet.

“What are you going to bother the General for?” Poe ground out as he stared up at her. Her eyes softened and she rested a hand in his hair.

“The General will know what to do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This started as me getting all wibbly over everybody but after reading all these fics about everybody dealing with their shit post movie I had to get in there.  
> Also fancanons of Jessika are awesome and I don't know if 'kriffing' is a real Star Wars word or something that caught on in fandom but I read a shit ton of fic about these assholes so I'm all in on this  
> Title is from Florence + The Machine's song, Ship to Wreck.  
> Idk if I can keep this up but I kinda want each character to have an artist I associate with them and I pull chapter titles from their lyrics for those POV chapters.


End file.
